Dear Spicy Ranch,

Why are you so good? I put you on everything. When i decided i'd spent too much time away from my blog, i thought, what can i blog about? and then i saw you on my salad and thought, what a fabulous idea! Spicy Ranch! But my only dilemma was, how could i find a flaw in you? So i stared at you for a while, and then noticed that you somewhat resemble my dog's throw up. What would happen if someone bottled Sandy's barf, and then put it into a spicy ranch bottle? I would be putting that shit on my veggie burgers, my salad, my meatless chicken fingers, and everything else! that would be a disaster. Maybe the Hidden Valley company should make it some other color. But what color? Blue would look disgusting, Green would resemble barf even more, yellow would resemble...well, chunky piss, pink would make me want to barf, and white would look like regular ranch! you have got quite a dilemma on your hands, Hidden Valley. Even I, myself, the finder of solution and big fan of you, have no solution. I wish you luck, my friends. Give my regards to every single poor employee of your company that must think to come up with some other idea for the coloration of your spicy ranch dressing.

With many many thanks for your wonderful dressing,

Ellie.

PS, my currently listening/reading/watching/gaming button isn't working at the moment. Oh well.

Dear unfortunate ugly girl,

I am sorry to see that you are this ugly. I'm sure that if you started an "I'm ugly please help me get plastic surgery" fund, plenty of people would donate. All you need to do is put a picture of your face, and you WILL get help. But before you take my advice, if you actually do, i have a few questions. number one: are you really this ugly, or is this just a picture with a fake unibrow, photoshopped pimple, fake teeth, photoshopped ugly hair, and lack of washing your hair intentionally? number two: if so, why did you do it? number three: are you dating the man from my last blog with the strange hair? well, those are the only questions i have. If you are naturally this way, and just refuse to get plastic surgery, then maybe you should just wax your unibrow, take care of your face, whiten your teeth or visit a dentist, wash your hair, and try not to smile too much. Also avoid cameras at all costs, and if you break mirrors run away fast, that's bad luck. Give my regards to your most likely hideous family.

With infinite sympathy, Ellie.